It was Colonel Mustard. With the pipe. In the kitchen.
Honestly, I could really care less about the politics of Chicago. I'm not from Chicago. I don't care about Chicago. I hate Chicago. I hate the White Sox. The Black Sox. The Cubs. The Billy-Goat Tavern "Curse." Da Bears. Da Bulls. Da accent. The Super Bowl Shuffle. The Super Bowl "oh-my-god-we-actually-won-something-so-lets-give-schools-the-day-off-so-they-can-go-stand-outside-in-the-middle-of-January-despite-the-temperature-of-negative-six-degrees-in-order-to-watch-the-homecoming-parade parade." Riots if and when the city wins a game. Riots if and when the city loses a game. Wrigley. Michael Jordan. The MLS Fire. The Great Fire. John Hughes. Jerry Springer. The arrogance. But not the amusing New York kind of arrogance. The pizza. But not the tasteful New York kind of pizza. The stockyards. The wards, the aldermen, the reverends. O'Hare.
The last time I was in Chicago, it took four hours to drive four miles. Why? So that I could visit the Museum of Science and Industry. And it was awesome. Because that's all there is to do in Chicago.
Chicago's rankings compared to other American cities:
Commute Time: 144
Income Tax Rates: 35
Unemployment: 107
Violent Crimes: 118
Weather: 122
Misery Measure: 700
So congratulations, Chicago. Only you could burn down your entire city and blame a cow. Only you could bear a shitty baseball team and blame a goat. Only you could dye a river green on Saint Patrick's Day when it was green to begin with. Only you could create a neighborhood for the rich called Beverly Hills: now that's originality.
You have Oprah. And Emilie St. Claire. And Jazz. So woot-woot for you, Chicago.
You think you're New York. But I have news for you: you're not. If I want a trip to the "Mudhole of the Prairie," I'll visit you. If I want a trip to a real American city, I'll visit New York.
So please, New York Times, stop publishing articles about Chicago. If I wanted to read about Chicago, I'd read the Chicago Tribune. But the Chicago Tribune sucks. Just like Chicago.
Reporters continue to harass Barrack Obama about the recent scandal in Chicago. Why? Because Obama is from Illinois. Well, that's some incredibly deductive reasoning, there: you're a part of the state, so you must be a part of the scandal. So that must mean Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani must have intimate connections with Boss Tweed. So why aren't we hanging them on a burning cross?
Get off Obama's back, you back-stabbing, attention whoring, media hounds. Your bad news syndrome has worn thin, and we're tired of it.
People hate America these days. And that's because America has become defined by the ranting and rambling, inane and pesky media fiends. Quit bitching about nothing and find some real news.
Either that or learn to be more like Bill Maher. Or Stephen Colbert.
"Union Linked to Corruption Scandal," published December 11, 2008. Fuck you, New York Times. That's the twelfth article today.
Song playing while I typed this post: Chicago. Thanks, Tony Bennett; you're awesome, but I saw a man who danced with his wife; and hark, it WASN'T in Chicago. It was San Francisco. And it wasn't his wife. It was his husband. Now THAT'S culture.
